I swear that everything in this article is completely true, except for a couple of things that I made up.
Years ago, my wife and I used to vacation on tropical beaches. Our attendants would feed us grapes, and wave palm fronds over us to create breezes. Then one day, we looked at each other, and said “we have way too much free time, and way too much money….let’s have kids!”
That was the worst financial move I’ve ever made. I’ve grouped the financial losses from having children into separate categories.
The Education Category
Don’t even get me started here. Four years of a private college? $250,000. Per child.
Individual textbooks are now over $500 apiece.
The Technology Category
Example 1: “Daddy, I dropped my cell phone in the toilet”.
Example 2: “Daddy, I dropped my phone off a third story ledge at the baseball game”.
Example 3: “Daddy, I dropped my phone and the screen shattered…..”
Cell phones now have more computing power than NASA and the CIA had 30 years ago. My daughters take these miracles of modern science and drop them in the toilet.
The Cooking Category
Example 1: Easy Mac macaroni and cheese should be mixed with water. It says so right on the box. If you microwave it without using water, bad things happen.
After the fire department left, we talked about reading the directions on the box.
The Pet Category
“Let’s get a dog”, they said. Bad financial move.
We have furniture in our home. Some of the furniture used to be nice.
Example 1: this used to be the corner of our living room table. Darwin thought that it was a chew toy.
The Clothing Category
When you purchase your shoes at a store named for a princess who wears glass slippers, the shoes are going to be really expensive.
It’s a good thing they’re cute. Maybe I’ll keep them.