Dear Darwin,

I have a few questions for you.

The first is- how do you manage to take up so much of the bed and the sofa?  You weigh 18 pounds.  I weigh 170 pounds, Theresa weighs 100.  How is it possible for you to hog so much of the bed?! You are a bed hog and a sofa hog.

Next question- did you forget that you are not supposed to even be ON the sofa or the bed?!  You are so busted.

And why is it MY SPOT that you sleep on and sit on?  What is that about?

Next question- why do you sniff so much outside?  What is it that you are sniffing?  Is it the urine of other dogs?  If so-why are you doing that?!  You don’t see me doing that, do you?

Why do you freak out if you are alone for 15 seconds?  And by “15 seconds”, I mean 15 seconds.  I can take two trash cans down the driveway and walk back to the garage.  You watch me the entire time.  And yet when I return, you act like you’ve been left alone for a week and a half. Why?!  YOU CAN SEE ME THE WHOLE TIME!!

Why do you protect Theresa, but no one else?  Why do you sit between Theresa and I when we do a crossword puzzle together?

What is it about the green metal cable box outside that makes you want to pee on it every time? Do you know how that affects cable reception in our area?

For that matter- why do you like to pee on mailbox posts so much?  Do you wonder why the mailman doesn’t like you?

Why do you sleep under the chair in the office?  It doesn’t look very nice under there….And we know there is a toy under there with you-  we can hear it squeaking!

How do you inhale your dinner so quickly?  (And since I look in the can sometimes…) WHY do you like it?!  It’s disgusting!

Signed,

The Big Guy Whose Bed Spot You Sleep In